Have You seen FACTORY GIRL yet?

Because if you haven't, I suggest that you do. (however, it is rated 18A....)
There is something about watching the life (the true life) of another unfold.... as she makes mistakes, and as she learns from them.... or as she doesn't.
The movie follows the life of Andy Worhol's project, and 60's IT girl Eddie Sedgewick. Her rise, and her not so sudden fall. It makes you love her, root for her, and cry for her. It makes you hate the very existance of Andy Worhol, but at the same time, wonder at his way of life, and how he remained so influential. It makes you want to be like her... in her early days.
and I think that is the part that haunts you even after you watch the movie, because you can't help but wonder, if, were that you, in those same exact situations.... would you do the same thing?
Is all you really want from life, fame?
Would you let your first love go, only to regret it the rest of your life?
What if, everyone wanted to be just like you?
What if famous people summoned you into their presance?

But in the end, what gets me, is what drew all those around Eddie Sedgewick in, in the first place. That personality..... before the drugs. The one that lived life.
And maybe thats where I see myself in her. I see myself in the exact same games she played. I see my self walking along the sidewalk trying to balance on an invisible line.
So can I help but wonder, if I could have the same end as her? What would, and will make me different?

What about those things that make us so different? her tradgic beginings.... do they always have to be coupled with tradgic endings? if so, why? why is the world like that?
If I am allowed to change topic here, I might.....
Tradgic world. I believe thats what we live in. As I've begun my life.... as an adult, going to work, day in and day out.... not nessicarily loving what I do, and seeing far too many people in that same place... why do we feel we have to do crappy jobs in order to make money in order for us to be happy? why does life depend on such simple tradgedy? why can't we just do what we love... all of us. even if we don't know what it is....why is it that I have to keep my job right now, which I don't love (I dont hate it either, don't get me wrong) in order to make a good history for my resume, instead of going out and trying something totally new... having a new experience.

And that just brings me back to Eddie Sedgwick.... she did what she loved... she loved what she did.
But she was also an heiress.
Can't the world do what they love without ending up in such major crises that we become defined by tradgedy?

I dunno, I see far too much shit for this world that God created to see more than a million daily tradgedies..... and I just wonder..... isn't there more to life? Can't we all have a bit of contagious personality, if we just lived the way that we wanted?
Or would we all end up like the FACTORY GIRL.

watch it.

Reality Check!

Real life has hit hard! I work a full time job... FIRST PAYCHCEK TOMORROW! and as exciting as that is.... that means that I really do have to make myself a budget..... and my mind is flashing back to all the million times I've had a budget sheet placed in front of me, and wish that at least once I had realized that it was really applicable to my life.
And just now I got an email from my Biology 30 teacher- yes kids, I am taking a high school class- DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME! and to be honest, I'm already frustrated out of my mind, and wondering why I am doing this to myself. I have to figure out how to get a text book tommorow, either by renting one from the school (if I am allowed to) or somehow finding the money for one. or finding some other means to aquire one. ugh. And I have to ask my boss if I can use the fax machine at work to submit some of my assignments. great.

I've also found one other thing that.... I don't know how to explain it.... frustrated with myself maybe..... I've started to fall fast into the pit of non-communication with Jesus. and thats sucking more than my immense lack of friends right now.... why? Because I've lost contact with that guy that cares more about me than anyone ever. and I don't know how to get back to what I had this year, but somehow its seeming like an endless mountain.

so life has gotten a bit hard in the last week, But at the same time, for all you who wonder, I love my job. I have a ton of fun doing it.... even though half the time I have no idea what I am doing and just make it up... I have alot of fun with it, and the people are great. I have a hard time seeing myself there for a long time, but for now, its alot of fun.

so with that little bit of an update, I'm off to make myself a budget!
much love,
Laurel

Useless Nattering

Oh man. Its been a while, hasn't it?!
Well... currently I am sitting in the speaker's room at Camp Kadesh, skipping lunch, cause its hamburgers and macaroni.... two things that kill my stomach... so I'm eating vanilla flavored mini-wheats! whoo hoo! The week is going good... I'm here with Dan King, on his ministry team for Sr. Teen Camp here, and yeah... Its going quite well, besides the abundant awkward moments I've had.
Life in general is quite good though. To be honest, I'm kinda dissapointed that I don't have a job yet. I think I'm getting far too used to doing nothing, and in the fall, having a job as well as an online class, will seriously suck, and be a shock to my system. Being lazy isn't fun at all... I'm telling you.
On the flip side of that, is the fact that I don't really want to work... especially at some lame-o job... But I know that eventually I'm just gonna have to suck it up, and make the best of what I can get. which, I suppose, shouldn't be that bad, considering all the options that are out there.
But seriously, I think that employers need to put themselves out there more... signs on your windows are just not efffective.... If I don't go to where you are, how are you going to get me to work there? how will I even know if I WANT to work there..... seriously, I think they need to ACTUALLY put ads in the paper.... those help a ton.
Other than 'job hunting' which I haven't been trying my best at, I don't do alot. I've caught up on alot of pop culture here in North America, by watching far too many music videos, watching my fair share of movies, reading the newspaper, and just passing by the magazine stands. quite interesting I must say. .......NOT.
so... all in all... I am quite bored. but still not motivated enough to be desperately looking for a job. but that day is comming soon. the funds are running low.
anyways... sorry for the useless nattering.... just thought I should post something now and then.
Much Love,
Laurel

I Want To Yearn For You

I have a dear friend from Capernwray that is still over in europe (Italy to be precise), that has been calling me a fair bit more than most people that are back, and it is for me to check her email for her. Believe it or not, caling me is cheeper than going to an internet cafe. Anyways, that is besides the point.
Today, when she called me, and after I had read her emails to her, she was telling me about her adventures in Luke chapter 6. And I found myself profoundly challanged. Not in what she was sharing inparticular, but in the fact that she was so whole-heartedly delighting in her everyday devotions, and learning so much from Jesus. I went to two churches yesterday, my own, as well as Circle Drive, and at circle drive one side point that the pastor made really hit me hard. A worldly christian does not yearn to be fed daily by God's word. I had to suck down my pride, as I tried so hard to convince myself that I was not worldly in that way.
But I am.
I struggle to do daily devotions. I always have. I have started to journal my heart of hearts to Jesus. And that has been so good. So many times this last two weeks I have found myself at 2 in the morning, marker in my hand, pouring my heart to Jesus, sometimes even crying out to him. But opening my bible....? that is a whole other challange.
One side comment made in a lecture one week at school, a lecturer challanged us to read a book of the bible everyday for a month. Not long After God nudged me towards 1 John. and I want to get into that so bad. so so bad. But somehow its not that hard.
And then I think about the lecture series on 're-entry' and I just think that I should know that this is going to be hard, and I should be doing it BECAUSE it is hard. But somehow that just doesn't do it for me. and that makes me so sad.
There is this song we sang during winter school

Lord I want to yearn for you
I want to burn with passion over you
and only you.
Lord I want To yearn for you.

That is my hearts cry right now.
Laurel

Random Thoughts

About four months ago we had a lecture series by our principal, Rob Whittaker, entitled 'Re-entry'. Its funny, I didn't really pay attention then, because I knew I had three months left at school, but now, I have the HUGEST desire to go back into my notes and see what we learned. Because being home is so spiritually hard. In the last week, I have opened my bible a total of.... once, and that was in church last sunday to read something from Matthew. I have done devotionals... once. I blamed that on not having a journal, so yesterday I spent a buttload on my dream Journal. NowI have no excuse. I have the time. I have everything. except the discipline. I think I'm really frustrated with myself.
But I've been home for a week now. Its starting to feel more normal. I am supposed to be here this summer. This year. I still don't know what I'm doing. I'm looking into getting my Bio 30, because I don't have a grade 12 science, which would make getting into uni alot easier. I don't even know if I want to go to uni. I think I might want to take english classes. I don't know what I would do with that, I don't know if I want to be an english teacher, but I think that english and lieterature is really interesting. I don't even know. But I have decided that when I get a summer Job, I'll work at the front desk at a hotel. Why? haha, I don't even know. but it sounds like fun.... can you imagine the stories of the guests? AH! SO AWKWARD! I love it!
I am so ready to get out into the world. I NEED FRIENDS! oh my gosh. I need to get out of this house and doing something. I am so bored. and So lonely. I don't even know where to go to make friends. oh bother!
But for now, I am seriously having fun re-educating myself in the current social trends in north america! The music!? so funny! I love it! when did Avril Lavigne go pop?! Since when was fergie a rapper, and/or cool? Did Hilary Duff grow up?! When was Saskatoon up on clothing trends?! Its fun, and amusing.... and I wish I had money to buy new clothes... yet again another reason to get a job. dang it! I hate being grown up!
Pretty much... sometimes, when I let it, life sucks, but I love it, and I love being home. I love that I can sit and talk with my mom whenever I want. I can torture Nathan. I can Hang out with Ben. I can call Ashley (when she is not working) and she can just come over. The sun shines SO MUCH here! And God is good.
yup. thats all. My mind is everywhere.

Home!

Well, I guess I've been home for a few days now. Its funny what everyone askes me. They don't ask me how it was. They don't ask if it was hard to leave. They don't ask what the best part was. They don't ask what I learned. They ask if I'm glad to be home.
Yes, I am glad to be home. But it was so so incredibly hard to leave. I just moved. I left my life in england, and all of my friends are despersed through out the world. I hoenstly don't know the next time I will see any of them. Honestly, its a bit depressing.
I've been really busy already though. I am not even hardly started to unpack. Today is the first day that I have started to do laundry, and I haven't done laundry since like... last last friday. sick, hey? but my room is a mess, clothes and books and papers EVERYWHERE!
Starting life again is hard. I kinda feel like I don't belong. I mean, this is my home, but for the last nine months everyone learned to live life without me, and now they have to adjust to that again, and I often feel like I'm just in the way.
But that all takes time too, hey? it will be normal soon enough.
Well... I'm home. thats that. if you want to see me, have coffee, tell me about your life. hear about mine. see my pictures. or just hang out, whatever, you know where to find me, and my shedule is mostly blank, so what works for you will fit in with the nothing that is my life! yay!
Its good to be home,
Laurel

Lasts

Last Fish and Chips. Last Load of Laundry. Last Family night. Last Brunch. Last trip to Carnforth. Last trip to Lancaster. Its all starting.... all the Lasts. Its honestly not real yet that I'm leaving this place for good in six days. But I am liking the concept of it. But ask me again in Three days, after I've had my last church service, my last evening lecture, my last bowl of brown stuff, my last apple crumble, my last room mate night, and I think I might feel a bit different.
There are so many things that I'm going to miss so much about Capernwray Hall, Carnforth, Lancashire, England. First and Foremost are the amazing friends I've made. I'll miss being excited on fridays, because thats laundry day. I'll miss walking around the loop in the middle of the day and late at night. I'll miss eating popcorn and watching movies on my bed on a laptop. I'm going to miss the old stone houses, and stone walls. I'm going to miss the small english towns. I'm going to miss fish and chips, and shepherd's pie. I'm going to miss having about 10 fashon consultants in the morning. I'm going to miss saying goodnight while laying in my bed and having four replies. I'm going to miss this place.
I'm going to miss learning about Jesus every day. "To Hear you say 'this one's mine', my heart is spoken for." As I was doing my lunch duity today, this worship song came on. its not one that is foreign to me, but one that we've done a few times here at capernwray. And hearing it today, while reflecting over the last nine months really hit it home what God was trying to teach me this year. My heart is his, and only his. its not mine, and it does not and will not ever belong to any boy, My heart is spoken for by Jesus and only Jesus.
Hm. But it will be so good to be home. I keep on trying to figure out what arriving at the airport at home is going to be like. But I have to remind myself that I am going to be dead tired, because I will have been up for 43 hours by the time I get home. I keep on trying to figure out what I'll want to eat when I get home, but the only thing that seems to be constant is the mad craving for Root Beer I have.... everything else changes every 30 seconds. I keep on trying to know what my life is going to look like at home, but its not working.
I'm scared to go home too. I am different. I dont' even see all the changes in me. I am still me, but I am different too. I am louder, believe it or not. I am more girly. I care less about what people think of me. I'm more confident. I am more sure of God's love for me, but somehow less sure of what I know about him. I know more about the Bible, but I feel like I know nothing. I am less sure of what I want to do with my life, but I feel like I might have more of a direction. I dont' know. I am different,and I'm scared that I will hide it, or that back home people won't like the changes.
In a week my life will be so different. and its bittersweet.
I'm going to go and enjoy the sunny day. My last saturday in England.
Laurel